My precious baby girl is asleep in my lap. It's 7:30PM and feels like the middle of the night. We have already gone to bed for the night and she woke up crying. Her skin is so soft and new. She smells good. I can't explain it really, she just smells brand new. My daughter is 4 days old. I can't believe we've only had her 4 days. It seems so much longer than that and at the same time everything is still so new and sometimes really scary.
Yesterday was the worst. It was easily the worst day I've ever had. I know that sounds dramatic, but it is what it is. The culprit? Not my baby girl, but hormones. I've heard of "baby blues" but I had no idea how hard it would hit as my hormones drastically changed after giving birth. YIKES! I literally cried all day. I felt palpable fear rack my entire body. My muscles still aren't forgiving me for the stress that I felt yesterday.
I felt scared of not ever recovering (not logical, I know). My stitches hurt. My breasts were aching. Holy crap I'm a mom. I feel nauseous. I feel dizzy from blood loss. Am I healing OK? Is my baby breathing? What if I get an infection? What do I do? How do I make it to the next hour? I haven't had sleep since birth. Somebody save me! Someone make it better. I miss my mom.
These are some of the mental and emotional challenges I faced yesterday, and it was just too much. The funny thing is that today I'm fine. Today I feel like me again. I still feel exhausted but today I am stronger. I cried out to God so many times yesterday. He carried me through, but I had my doubts I would make it.
Yesterday is gone and I am so madly in love with this baby. It's silly how much I love her. She is still sleeping and I am going to try and get some very much needed rest.
I can honestly say though, that I love being a mom. I love this tiny life that we were entrusted with. I am blown away. Today was easier than yesterday. I look forward to tomorrow.
Love,
A very sleepy Talia Christine
oh Day 3!!! it's purely horrid isn't it? i remember i had a psycho tantrum on Day 3 at everyone for not tidying up or opening the curtains in their bedrooms after i had #4!! haha. poor things!
ReplyDelete(it DOES get easier!) XO
You are not alone in your feelings even though you can feel quite alone at times as a mother! I didn't sleep for the first 3 days from hormones, excitement and worrying about my wee girl breathing too. My Mum always said "this too shall pass" and I remember it whenever life seems a little "challenging".It does get easier. The first few months can take a bit of adjusting too, and research suggests that it can take 6 weeks to "get" breastfeeding if you are doing that. Be gentle with yourself and try and take a moment every now and then to have a shower or bath alone while little Audrey is sharing a bonding moment with her Daddy etc. Shutting the door every now and then gave me a a much needed break.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs xx
oh day 3 sucks! it's the worst of all (baby blues, milk coming in, exhaustion...). I DOES get better! Heres hoping you are getting some sleep tonight! :o) x
ReplyDeleteOh, this post brings back so many memories. No one can really prepare you for all the "bad" that new mommyhood brings. When my little guy was born my in-laws came to stay with us in our teeny tiny condo and I seriously thought I was going to kill them if they didn't get out of my face and house. I wanted to run away. There were even moments I wished that Jake was back in my belly where it was easier. Hormones are crazy after birth. And the lack of sleep is absolutely crippling.
ReplyDeleteBut, I promise it does get better! Lean on your husband and God. Cry as much as you want. Sleep whenever Audrey sleeps. Forget about your house, the laundry, the cooking. And know that your only job right now is to take care of that sweet baby and get the hang of breastfeeding.
You'll be a pro in no time! I promise.
Hoping the next few days are better for you.
OH my heart goes out to you... so know what that is like and boy it's hard! Hang in there - it will get easier and you are going to make such an amazing mum. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI so get where your coming from! Your not crazy at all, and I'm glad your being open about your feelings. Look at all the support you are already receiving, for your honesty :)
ReplyDeleteI'm really proud of you.
Proud of you for jumping in so fast to familyhood!
Proud of you for giving birth all natural, no meds!
Proud of you for the amazing mommy you are becoming and already are.
I'm just plain proud of you.
- Sister. Jaimelynn.
Thank you for sharing this. I know in due time, I will come back to this post and it will help me when I most need it. I am continually praying for this transition time in your live(s) with a brand new baby. God is there! :)
ReplyDeleteI just want to say thank you to all these sweet ladies who took the time to respond to your post! Sharing their past emotions and understanding what you are going through is so helpful knowing you are not losing your mind and that your body will gain back all its strength and stability in time.
ReplyDeleteI wish I were there to help you out. Your mom wants to be there so badly too! I am so thankful you have Joanna there to do what we can't. My prayers are with you!
love you so much!
Talia, I was the same after Matilda was born, I cried every day for a week, I was panicking for the same reasons! I felt guilty, for nothing! I called my
ReplyDeleteMum 600 times a day asking if this is normal! Asking if she will be okay, is she breathing, hungry or happy! It was bittersweet because she made me so happy and so sad all at the same time! Hormones are a powerful thing and yet so out of our control, but I tell you, this will pass. This is all completely normal. Let it out, and it won't get worse, but always always take time for yourself every day and never be afraid to ask for help. Babies don't come with an instruction book so asking someone else (who isn't influenced by hormones) is always a huge help! I tell you, when she smiles at you for the first time, it will all melt away and you will know to you are doing the right thing! Love is such a rollercoaster.... And the love you feel for your child is something that can't be described, it's like a part of you that's aching and it's a beautiful thing, just learn to embrace it. You have the world's most amazing job. You're a mommy, and a brilliant one. xxx Jo xxx
Sweet Talia - welcome to motherhood! I wish I could say your fears will go away - they won't - they will change to "I hope she doesn't get in the car with someone that has been drinking" and "I'm so afraid that someone will be mean to her and hurt her feelings"... Life gets so much more difficult when you sincerely love someone else more than you ever thought you could. Just enjoy every single second of this time with her - that smell - that wonderful sweet smell! I miss it so much and can't wait to have it in my arms again!!!
ReplyDeleteOh man, I could have written this entry myself after the birth of my son 8 years ago. I remember the feeling of hopelessness, despair and the tears, oh the tears. I wouldn't go out in public as I just couldn't stop crying.
ReplyDeleteBut it passed and it will for you too. Be gentle with yourself.
A Random Lurker xo
i understand completely. truthfully, it does get better. especially when they are verbal. i always refer to that first year as the "parasitic" year. they are just that: parasites. they can doing nothing for themselves and rely on you 100% but with a little love and milk, they will grow. they will know who loves them and provides. when they give that first smile, everything will change and you'll realize you are doing something right. i'm so sorry you don't have your mama there.
ReplyDeleteyou are in my thoughts, girl.
xo
so wonderful to share your thoughts. the hardest day for me was day FOURTEEN for some reason. I know it's different for everyone, but writing it down helps so much. it's not rational! silly hormones :P
ReplyDeletei know you know this, but it DOES get better. my body hurt for 6 weeks. 6 weeks feels like forever when you're in it, but now Mika is 3 months old and i feel like a beautiful and healthy mama.
but cherish that smell!!!! new baby smell is incredible :) xxxx
Talia,
ReplyDeleteit will get easier...I promise. It has been quite a while for me, my youngest is now 15..I can not believe how fast children grow. It seems that just yesterday, I held her in my arms and now she wants to fly on her own and spread her wings. Am I ready? Yes and No. Still it will get easier, with every breath and with every step. Hang on dear....You will be just fine and an amazing Mom!
~~Hugs,
Dena
I'm sure you're not along in feeling this way. It's a pretty emotional time, and you sound like you're going just fine!! Hope it gets easier for you!
ReplyDelete