Guest post: How To Read A Book

BY ENGLISH FROM BEFRECKLED

What an honor!  Being asked to guest write for Talia is such a momentous occasion in my blogging career, I probably spilt coffee all over my computer.  Again.

My name is English, and I write over on Be Freckled.  It's a tiny site full of words and photos, hence my guest post; today, I will be teaching you how to read a book.  I know you're all thinking, "why, I learned to read ages ago!  Who does this lady think she is?!"  I promise you, I have tons of helpful tips that no one has bothered to share with you.  As a matter of fact, they could mean the difference between safe reading techniques and haphazard novel enjoyment resulting in injury.  So, for your own safety, I will begin without further ado:

Step One: Wander into a local bookstore and begin pondering life altering novels to devour.  One must take very careful precautions when choosing the correct novel, however.  Please see Step Two for details.

Step Two: Instantly judge possible candidates based on cover detail.  Invisible Man?  Boring cover.  Veto and move on.

Step Three: Repeat Step Two until a likely novel comes within eyesight.  Arabian Nights?  Much better.  Eventually narrow down choices until winner emerges.  In this case, it was Pride & Prejudice.

[Optional Step Three point Five: If you must, read inside jacket or back of book to get an idea of what type of novel you will be reading.  Only use this step if judging the front cover is not enough to convince you of novel's awesomeness.]

Step Four: Find seating arrangement on which to inhale descriptive phrases from.  Vintage European settee?  Yes, thank you.

Step Five: Open cover, begin to read first page.  Contrary to popular belief, or contrary to Asian practices, one must interpret novel by starting at the first sentence at the top of the page, beginning on the far left hand side and proceeding to the right.  Once you've reached the last word in the first line, begin at the far left of the second line, and continue thus.  Confusing, I know, but I have confidence you will be able to conquer this literary madness.

Step Six: Prepare to turn page.  There are many techniques for turning pages, but a tried and true method is to use scientific equations to defeat gravity while performing acrobatic stunts during which you play trumpets.  For beginners, however, simply lift a corner of the page by any means necessary [finger, thumb, spatula, etc.], and lift page.  CAUTION!  Hurried page turning can result in disastrous consequences!  See Exhibit A for details.

Step Seven: Continue turning page until back is revealed, and continue reading.

Exhibit A: I unfortunately lacked concern for my own safety, and was rewarded thus.  Damn you, paper cuts!

Step Eight: Repeat steps Two through Seven until novel is completed and knowledge is gained.  Breaks may be necessary until you gain the stamina and/or time needed to complete a novel in one go.

Please let me know if the steps above make your literary experience more enjoyable!  **Note: I never judge a book on the cover, and positively enjoyed Invisible Man.  No fingers were harmed in the making of this tutorial.**

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Thank you so much for sharing with us, English! I've known this girl for ages, since we were kids! I was around maybe 8 when we met I think...? It kinda blows my mind actually. She's one of a very small handful of people that I've known for a very very long time. English writes on her personal blog over at Be Freckled. Be Freckled is full of her thoughtful daily musings, pics of her cute pups, and (my favorite) her book reviews! Go on and check out Be Freckled and show her some love. xo