Margaret May: A Birth Story

Margaret's birth was really life changing for me. Her entrance into this world really changed my perspective and attitude on birth. Simply put, I didn't know labor could even BE this way! It was amazing.

Often people ask me how it went (as you do) and expectant mums often ask, "Was it painful?" And I hesitate to answer because I don't want to sound... you know, crazy, but my answer is "No." I wouldn't feel honest if I said it was downright painful. It was intense, oh yes. There was a lot of pressure, definitely. Labor is a bizarre sensation. But it wasn't painful per se*. It was beautiful.

I'll start from the beginning.

Actually, I'll start with Audrey's birth.

...It was terrifying! I was scared right from the word go. I had that awful unbearable feeling that there was NO going back. It was too late to change my mind about going through labor and I was only at the beginning of a potentially long and horrible labor experience. I had no way of knowing "how bad" it was going to get and if I was going to be able to cope through it. That sort of thinking left me feeling really powerless in a situation that felt really scary to me. To be honest, Audrey's birth went fine. It was really straightforward, but it was also long. And painful. I literally fought every contraction with my body and I tensed up. I COULDN'T HELP IT. It was kind of awful. When it came time to push, it was fast and quick (10 minutes and she was out!) and I tore REALLY badly. I had about a zillion stitches and now joke that I was a patchwork quilt. But in reality, I couldn't even TALK about Audrey's birth for a long time without bursting into tears. It left me emotionally and physically scarred.

As soon as we found out we were pregnant again I knew that I had to deal with my fear. My fear had become all consuming and I KNEW that it had affected my labor to some degree. It must have. Stress takes a major toll on our bodies when we're not in labor, so surely it affects us in labor as well? I did a lot of praying. I found a lot of comfort in the Word. But I also realized that, maybe, fear was wrong. It didn't have a place in my life and I needed to deal with it. I needed to trust God regardless of the outcome, positive or negative.

So I did.

I came up with an action plan for me and Phil for during labor. I wanted to be MENTALLY present. I didn't want to mentally check-out like I did while I was in labor with Audrey (there are large portions of the labor that I don't remember). I wanted to play an active role in my labor. And above all I wanted to stay calm, relaxed, and fear-free.

Then my due-date came and went.

6 days overdue I decided to go on a long walk. It was a beautiful, clear winter morning and the sun was shining. I took Audrey with me and we walked around for the better part of an hour and spent some time together at the local park. We swung on the swings (yes, she made me swing too) and ran around (I hobbled). I'll always remember that morning together. We came back for lunch and soon after I started having some contractions. I didn't want to get everyone riled up in case it was a false alarm, but I was secretly VERY excited. We started packing a bag, just in case.



I relaxed my way through the contractions and felt a beautiful sense of calm and determination. I was going to get through this as calmly as I could. The contractions started at 10 minutes apart and I started to be convinced that the baby was definitely on her way. Within another hour the contractions were consistently 5 minutes apart. Woo hoo! I sent word to my midwife that the baby was finally on her way. The labor was definitely progressing more quickly that Audrey's labor had... but I felt bewildered, for a lack of a better word, at how relaxed I was able to remain. I was losing my mind at this point last time around. Every time a contraction hit, I immediately relaxed my whole body. Head, neck, jaw, arms, shoulders, fingers... by the time I relaxed every part of my body the contraction was over. This felt EASY! I felt exhilarated! I was able to talk and laugh and carry on with my day in between each contraction, another one would hit, and I would relax into the contraction and focus on my body and my mind staying calm. I settled into a beautiful rhythm and began to let myself think, "I can do this! I WILL do this." It was hard to not feel giddy about the whole thing!



I labored for 6 hours at home with Phil and Mom at my side. Mom and Phil put pressure on my back when each contraction hit and held a hot water bottle on my lower back when I asked for it. They were AMAZING support throughout the labor. We were talking and waiting for the contractions to move closer together. I guessed that the baby would come around 8 o'clock that night, but really, I was getting ready for the long haul (Audrey's labor was 17 hours). I let my midwife know what was happening. She said that she had another woman in pre-term labor at the hospital and asked if I would be able to come birth there. I felt gutted over what she was asking me. I did NOT want to birth at the hospital if I didn't have to. I decided quickly that, unless I could help it, I would birth at the birthing center with the backup midwife (whom I had never met). At this point, my contractions were 3-5 minutes apart and we started talking about when we should head over to the birthing center. I was convinced that it wasn't time yet because I hadn't reached the point where I "lost my mind". I felt really good! I had a decent amount of energy yet and I was convinced that the birth was still really far away. Another strong contraction hit and I leaned into the back of the couch so I could focus through the contraction and suddenly my waters burst! It struck me as hilarious and I scream/laughed at Phil for help! He ran over with a towel and sumo-diapered me with the towel as we made our way to the bathroom. I could not. stop. laughing at my waters breaking. I was literally in tears over how hilarious and bizarre it was. It felt like I was peeing my pants! But it kept GOING and GOING! SO. MUCH. FLUID. Phil thinks it wasn't that funny. But it was. ;)

I hopped into the shower and my contractions quickly sped up to 2 minutes apart. Mom was getting a bit nervous and strongly advised that we head over to the birthing center soon. I still felt fine but since my contractions were only 2 minutes apart, it seemed like a good idea.

We hopped in the car and made our way to the birthing center. As soon as we got there my contractions increasingly got stronger and stronger. We quickly met the backup midwife** and made our way inside. At home, I had felt great with the hot water on my back so the midwife suggested I hop in the shower for some relief. I didn't want to come out because the water felt great but we felt like we should do an internal check to see how far I had progressed. I was checked and the midwife informed us that we were already at 8cms! *fist pump* I WAS THRILLED to have made such great progress on my own at home! I felt like doing a backflip! I felt so relieved and excited. SO different to my previous birth experience. WE WERE DOING IT!





Transition hit, and it was certainly harder, but I was still able to carry on conversation in between contractions. I was still mentally PRESENT and it felt really good. I opted to hop in the bath for the rest of the labor. Phil hopped in with me and applied some much needed pressure on my lower back and massaged my shoulders when I started to tense up. He's good, that man.




8 o'clock hit and I felt a huge wave of pressure descend into my bottom. It was time to start pushing, she was making her way out. She crowned quickly and effortlessly and that's when I started to stretch and burn. As soon as I felt the burn I was struck with fear. Pure terror. I knew that the burning was normal but I immediately associated that stretching and burning with tearing! I was reminded of how badly I tore with Audrey and it felt like I was ripping all over again. It was a really scary feeling! I was afraid of losing all that blood and the threat of a blood transfusion.

My contractions completely disappeared in that moment of fear. My body seized up and I suddenly couldn't continue. I leaned against Phil and fought against her head that was already halfway out. My midwife urged me to carry on but I simply had no contractions to work with and I started to panic and lose my cool. I felt like my control was slipping away. I knew that I needed help and that I needed to focus, so I opted to stand for the rest of the pushing to let gravity assist me. Phil pulled me to my feet and my contractions immediately returned. That decisive action was enough to snap me out of my fear and return some of the control to me. Two more pushes and she was in my arms.




You never forget that feeling of holding your baby for the first time. It's true love and pure bliss.





She went straight into my arms and we cuddled and while she suckled for almost 2 hours. Can I get a hollah for NO STITCHES?! I feel so blessed to have had such a lovely and gorgeous birth experience. I couldn't have hoped for anything better. I feel SO pleased with how it went. I feel really proud of myself and I feel really EXCITED for next time. Whenever that is. I no longer fear birth. I look forward to it. And I look forward to conquering my fear of 'the burn' next time. I'm confident that next time will be even better.

Glory to God in the highest! He was my strength in time of need.
*Except for the pushing part at the end and then it BURNED! Least favorite part... followed by the BEST PART! The baby!
**She was SO so lovely!!! She was so gentle and calm. She was very low profile until I needed her. Me and Phil both agree that she was JUST what we needed. 

Introducing Margaret May

Introducing Margaret May van der Wel

Born June 24th 2013
6lb 13oz

My little dark haired beauty. My tiny girl.
Born on a clear winter evening under a super-moon at 8:21PM.
----

Name puzzle pieces generously provided by Stuck On You.

Audrey Eleanor: A Birth Story

(Warning: Birth is not for the faint of heart. What I mean to say is that I look terrible in these photos. You have been warned. Carry on.)

Being on the other side of pregnancy I can mostly look back with fondness. I had my fair share of troubles but overall it was a deeply special time for me. I tried my best to savor the moments and find the beauty in carrying a tiny life inside of me and not to wish the time of pregnancy away. So I found it surprisingly hard on me emotionally when my due date approached, then came, then went. I was weepy and upset that I hadn't reached labor yet. I fought pangs of jealousy when other women around me gave birth and had their babies in their arms. I ached to meet Baby vdW. I was finished.

I was ready from week 37, so every day that passed that I didn't go into labor the more it weighed on me. I was scared of going too far overdue and growing a fat baby. Let's face it, I'm not the biggest girl in the world. I was afraid of not being able to birth a big baby, tiring during labor, and needing intervention that I didn't want. We planned a natural birth and I didn't want to veer from that if we didn't have to.

My due date came and went and I swear with each passing hour I could hear my nervous heart beat in anticipation. I tried everything I could to jump start labor. I danced my heart out in the living room. I'd been drinking raspberry leaf tea. I'd express using a breast pump... to no avail. It would produce some small contractions, but nothing that I wasn't already experiencing. Since week 20 I experienced fairly regular braxton hicks. I became resigned to the fact that I may have to be induced and talked to my midwife about my options and when to schedule the birth. I didn't want it to be on our wedding anniversary.

On June 13th the mister and I settled down on the couch and started to watch one of my favorite cowboy movies, Lonesome Dove. We cuddled and settled down for the night and went to bed. At 3:30AM I woke up to go to the bathroom (as I did a million times a night). I noticed a singular tiny drop of moisture. I had kept up with my pelvic floor exercises to help with my hip problems, so I didn't think it was incontinence... but still. I hadn't had any contractions... No matter. Back to bed.

As soon as I lay back down in bed I felt a slow trickle. My heart raced. I knew exactly what was going on. I sat up in a panic and told Phil my waters were breaking. Actually I yelled that my waters were breaking. Phil flipped on the light and grabbed a towel and helped me to the bathroom. My waters broke over the course of two hours in a steady trickle trickle gush and I still hadn't had any real contractions.



I don't know what came over me, but I started cleaning the house like a MAD WOMAN at 3:30 in the morning while my waters were breaking. I tidied the living room, the kitchen, and even a bit of the bathroom. I finished packing my bags and organizing things and then decided that we should probably get some more rest. We went back to bed at 5:30AM.

We had been laying down for only a few minutes when my contractions began. It was nothing like the braxton hicks contractions I had become so familiar with. I feel like "practice contractions" is a really misleading nickname. My real contractions were nothing like them and I had no doubt that this was finally the real thing. We started timing them and they came at regular 10 minute intervals. They were like these intense waves that washed over me and overtook my whole body and there was nothing I could do about it. They lasted around a minute and then they were gone. I felt fine! I felt like me again once it had passed. I cuddled with Phil in between the contractions and squeezed his hand and cried out every time a contraction hit me. I was surprised at the noise I was making already. I couldn't hold it back! Believe me, I tried, but instinct came over me and I was braying like a cow.

We waited for a decent hour to call the midwife and called her around 7:30AM to let her know that labor had begun. It was really exciting! It was all really happening.




I called my family back in Texas and we were able to Skype! It was truly amazing to have them "there" with me in the process and have their encouragement and to have them as a distraction. It kept me in high spirits and excited for the impending birth.



We continued on the same path for hours and hours. The contractions were steady and 5 minutes apart, then slowed to 10-15 minutes, then sped back up again. We weren't making fast progress, but every contraction brought us that much closer to meeting our baby.

Around 6:30PM I couldn't handle the pain any more. The contractions were still 5 minutes apart but I couldn't cope any more all of a sudden. I had this intense pain and I couldn't move it seemed! Phil rang the midwife and she told us to head to the birthing centre and she would meet us there. I hobbled to the car and we were on our way. My labor was becoming stronger and I felt I had less and less control. Fear took over me and I couldn't help but cry out. The staff midwife helped to ease my fear until my midwife arrived. The midwife asked if I wanted an internal check to see how far I'd dilated but I declined. I was scared that I hadn't made much progress and would be disappointed with my progress so far.

I started to feel nauseous and felt like I had to go to the bathroom. I rocked myself back and forth on a labor rocking stool and tried breathing laughing gas but I hated it. It made me feel dizzy and in even less control. It didn't help ease the pain of the contractions at all so I ditched it. My contractions were nearing and were 1-3 minutes apart now. They were right on top of each other.

I had originally planned a water birth. I liked the idea of being in the water to help soothe the pain naturally. At 7:30PM I wanted to finally get in the tub but I had to be checked to make sure I was dilated at least 5cm before I could get in. I was relieved to find that I was already 7cm dilated! Once I got in the tub I realized that it wasn't for me. The tub was huge and there was nothing solid for me to grab onto. Every time a contraction hit I felt lost and helpless in this big tub. I felt my temperature rising and started to feel light headed. I wanted out. I wanted to lie down.

I got into bed and lay on my side for the rest of the labor. The warmth of the water slowed down my contractions a bit and I was thankful for the break. I was dazed and overtaken by the labor pains. I think I slept in between the contractions and at some point I vomited.

At 9:51PM I suddenly snapped out of my fog and felt this insurmountable urge to push. I felt so much pressure I felt a bit of a panic. I couldn't fight it. Instinct took over and (I don't know how I did this) I jumped up from my position of lying on my side and got onto my hands and knees on the bed. It was time.

There are things about the birth that are hazy in my mind but there are things I will never forget. I'll never forget the haunting sounds I made as I started to push. It was so loud. The sounds I made still echo in my mind. It sounded like it was someone else. It FELT like it was someone else. At one point the midwives told me that babies weren't born with ear muffs and that maybe I could try being a little quieter. I roared with such ferocity, and could I have moved, I would have probably killed them. They changed their minds and said it was okay.

I will never forget the intense burning and unbelievable stinging I felt as I worked to push the baby's head out. I could feel myself ripping and I panicked. The head was 80% out and I was too scared to move on. The midwives placed warm cloths on my perineum to help prevent tearing and I plucked up the courage to carry on.

I will never forget the moment the rest of Audrey's tiny body slipped out. She immediately let out a lusty cry and made her presence known. She flailed her tiny arms around and used her lungs for the first time. At 10:12 PM she was born. It was finished. I did it! We did it. She was here. She was healthy. She was safe.






I was tired and happy cuddling with our tiny girl. She was so perfect and she smelled so good. She was so warm against my belly. She was simply beautiful. They finally weighed her and checked her to make sure she had all her fingers and toes. She weighed 6lbs 1oz. She was perfectly healthy and I'd never been so proud.






I had lost quite a bit of blood (around 600mls) and required stitches in some pretty precarious places. The adrenaline was starting to wear off and I was feeling very faint. They wheeled us into our room to settle down and finally sleep for the night. They gave me an IV and a saline drip and put me on bed rest. Baby girl was all swaddled up in her blanket I made for her and all was right with the world.




I love you, little Audrey. I would do it all over again for you.

Love,
Mama

P.S. - I can't believe I gave birth!!! And naturally! Whaaaaaat?!

Please take a moment and vote for us below!

The Bean: Week 29

source

(Does the size of this squash terrify anyone else? Or is it just me?)

I am in my third trimester! Where is time going? Honestly, this pregnancy is flying by. The Bean is bigger than ever and kicking hard these days. Good job, Little, you are getting so strong!

At my last appointment, my midwife was measuring my stomach growth and feeling the baby's position when Beansy kicked her right in the hand. It was a good strong kick too. I felt like such a proud Mama. My Little was showing off. The midwife was pleased too that the baby is getting nice and strong.

Me and Phil started our antenatal classes last Tuesday. It was good and informative and there was a roomful of other couples who were also pregnant with their first. I'll be honest though. I found it all a little bit awkward. They had everyone introduce themselves, which is a good thing! It's nice to get to know everyone but I fear speaking to a roomful of randoms with a passion. I got all red in the face and stammered a bit and I felt like the room shot up to 100 degrees. Ah well. BUT then they had these games with the purpose of equipping everyone with basic pregnancy/birthing terms. It reminded me of the games in youth group ... but for pregnancy. I hated youth group games. Ah well.

During the class, we got a tour of the birthing center. It was so nice! I'm pretty stoked on the place and I am looking forward to maybe meeting the little Bean there. Also, Lonestar caters for the mum. Awesome!

The overview of labor scared me silly. I left feeling a bit overwhelmed and nervous. I talked with my sister and my midwife about my fears and they both really encouraged me. My midwife discussed which birthing options are available to me. Because of my hip problem (SPD) certain birthing positions aren't recommended, but I have plenty of options available! I am facing my fears and am starting to put together a birthing plan and in doing so I am becoming more and more excited about the birth and the process.

Confession*:
In the US 90% women get an epidural, but in NZ they typically only do them if they are medically needed, more like a last resort. To be honest, I have never really considered birthing without one. I just thought that's what you did? So, in considering my options, thinking about birthing without an epidural was a big step for me. My midwife has been super helpful in this area! She is really sensitive to my fears and is really encouraging that I can do this and that God designed my body to do this.
(*Disclaimer: I know this is a touchy subject, but I'm blogging about my thought process and fears. xo)

So, in short, I am doing my homework and doing my research on alternative and natural pain management. I've got my big girl decision making pants on and I'm really excited!

I still have hip pain but it is becoming more manageable. I've seen a physiotherapist who gave me some exercises to work on and a brace to wear when I'm doing a lot of walking. I also wear it in the mornings when my hips are at their worst. Keeping up with correct posture has helped SO MUCH. To anyone who suffers with SPD during pregnancy, keep up with your posture! It won't feel like it is helping at first but it will! Trust me on this one. It's worth it.

Little Bean, we are so excited to meet you! Me and your Dad talk about you all the time. We pray for you constantly and we dream what our lives will look like with you in it. I can't wait to hold you and kiss your face until you get fussy with me. I can't wait for your Dad to teach you things and give you big bear hugs. We love you. A lot.

xoxo
Talia Christine